The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
