Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
