I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
