So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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