she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
