i'm lost and i look like a hooker
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
