Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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