i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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