i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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