True but thats because hes a fetus.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
