Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
