Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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