my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
how does that bad decision feel?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
