Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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