Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
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