I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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