If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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