Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
