I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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