By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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