before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
