If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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