my vag is so smooth its legendary
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
