he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
