Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
