Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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