my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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