my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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