a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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