dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
