If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
