your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize