wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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