he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
