I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
