by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is Oprah even human
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
