His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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