I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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