Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
