My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm just crazy horny about you
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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