You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
