There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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