i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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