The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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