Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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