And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
