she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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