i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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