I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize