I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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