I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
