I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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