its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
