My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
