How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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