dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
