i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
